


Coming to Terms

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Mass Effect 3, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 14:09:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9823982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: Perhaps Kaidan will never truly understand what might drive anyone to work with an entity like Cerberus, but he's trying to look past it for the sake of those he cares about. A little help never hurts.





	

The Normandy was oddly calm for the moment. A majority of Kaidan’s most vivid memories of this ship, including its predecessor, involved almost unfathomable levels of activity. It was typically organized chaos in response to enemy activity, stealthy strike missions, or straight up fleeing danger. Everyone had a place, everybody knew their job, and they executed those activities with practiced accuracy. Now, all was quiet. They were mid-flight to the next destination and he couldn’t help but remember the more peaceful side of being here that he’d nearly forgotten… of being home.

The door to the med bay slid open to allow him access and he was surprised to see a familiar figure leaning against one of the examination tables, arms crossed, engaged in a conversation with the doctor.

“I don’t know why you insisted on wearing that battered armor all the time, either. Thank goodness you’ve found something new,” Dr. Chakwas commented with a chuckle.

“That was good armor,” Garrus replied, his mandibles flaring playfully. “I kind of wish I had it with me now. Sort of a good luck charm, you know? I survived multiple assassination attempts, a rocket to the face, fights with thresher maws and reapers, and even a trip through the Omega 4 Relay. I’d say it did pretty well.”

Dr. Chakwas sighed heavily, shaking her head and waving Kaidan to come in. “I suppose. I wish you’d at least gotten it repaired, then. I’m sure Cerberus would have coughed up a few credits so you could look presentable. Besides, is it wise to travel alongside Commander Shepard with broken gear?”

Kaidan followed Karin’s gesture, taking a seat on the examination table beside Garrus. As much as he tried to convince himself that everything had happened for a reason, even hearing the name ‘Cerberus’ sent an unpleasant chill down his spine.

“Maybe my intention was to look like some turian hobo just to annoy Cerberus,” Garrus joked. “And I’ll have you know it’s perfectly fine to travel with Shepard while wearing damaged armor. She draws the majority of the enemy fire.”

Kaidan opened his mouth to argue that last point, but closed it again with a shrug of his shoulders when he realized it was true.

“Well I’m glad to see you here with better armor, and I’m very impressed with the way your wound has healed,” Dr. Chakwas offered with a grin as she tapped on her omni-tool in preparation for her next patient.

“Aww, thanks, doctor.” Garrus turned his attention on the new arrival. “How are you feeling these days, Kaidan?”

“Fine, actually,” Kaidan was as surprised by the outcome of the Mars fiasco as anyone else. “Dr. Chakwas just asked me to stop in every once in a while to make sure I don’t rattle my implant again.”

Karin snickered. “Rattle. Your use of that term never fails to amuse me, Major.”

A little half-smile rose to his lips. He knew things had been far more complicated than that, but somehow it was easier to face his own mortality by toning down the severity just a little. Plus, it helped other people to brush it off and treat him like a normal human being. That’s what he was, after all. He didn’t want anyone to forget.

“Hey,” Kaidan began, looking to change the subject if he could. “Mind if I ask you two something?”

“Shoot,” came a quick reply from Garrus. Karin simply nodded.

“Did you like working for Cerberus?”

“We never worked for Cerberus, Major,” The doctor quickly answered.

“We worked with them… sort of… but really we were working for Shepard. I don’t think Cerberus was too interested in formally employing a turian, a krogan, a quarian, a drell, or an asari, anyway. They put up with it because Shepard called the shots.” Garrus seemed rather amused with the memory of it all.

Kaidan nodded. He wasn’t sure what to say in response because he honestly wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He’d heard Shepard’s exasperated explanations and chatted a bit about it with the other crew without getting too deep into anyone’s motivations, but he was still having trouble understanding why anyone who might have been aboard the Normandy back in the days of chasing Saren across the galaxy might have thrown their lot in with Cerberus. Even if Shepard was the driving force, it made him sick to his stomach.

“You met some of the scientists recently, right? And Jacob?” Garrus asked. He seemed to read the discomfort written in Kaidan’s body language. The Major straightened up and tried to mask it once more, though he was mindful not to obstruct Dr. Chakwas’ readings.

“Yeah. I’m glad we were able to get them out and away from Cerberus.”

“They were normal people, right? I mean, Jacob probably doesn’t count, since he up and dove into a suicide mission with us, but overall, they were just people doing their jobs.”

“They... seemed okay. I admit that I was expecting them to be far more… extremist… than they were.”

Garrus chuckled. “Not everyone is the Illusive Man, Kaidan. Some of them were psychotic, don’t get me wrong, but a vast majority of them were good people who didn’t have a better option at the time.”

“Joker, for example,” Dr. Chakwas interjected. “He’s a great pilot who was immediately grounded by the Alliance after the SR-1 went down. You and I both know he was born to fly. Cerberus gave him that ability and a rather fine frigate to go with it.”

“I was holed up on Omega, counting the minutes before I was bound to be overrun by mercenaries. I’ve never been so happy to see that damned N7 logo as I was that day when I was lining up my shots. All things considered, Shepard and Cerberus were a much better alternative than being shot, beaten, killed, and shoved out a station airlock,” Garrus stared up at the ceiling of the med bay for a long moment as though lost in memory. Kaidan was inclined to believe the severity of the tale.

“I joined the new Normandy because Commander Shepard asked it of me,” Karin added as she recorded the results of her scans on his implant. “A far less exciting story, I suppose, but it’s true. There were times when I questioned my decision, and, perhaps, the decisions of Shepard and of Cerberus, but I can safely say now that I don’t truly regret it. It solidified the gravity of our current situation in my mind and, well, without Cerberus, Shepard wouldn’t be here today and we’d be in a far bigger mess than this.”

Kaidan didn’t want to imagine the state of things without Shepard in the picture. It had always brought him pain. Living the reality of it was worse. At one point, he’d thought it would get better after he met her on Horizon and saw her with his own two eyes. Knowing she was alive and well should have brought him some relief, but it didn’t. He thought often of her. He worried for her. He missed her. He was scared of her… or rather, of the power she still held over his poor, broken heart.

But then it came to light, in a hospital room on the Citadel, that the feelings were mutual.

Now Kaidan was left to try sorting through all his thoughts and feelings. He tried to make sense of Cerberus and Project Lazarus and collectors and reapers and Shepard and decide for himself where to go from here. His heart knew, of course, but his mind needed some convincing.

“That’s true,” he quietly responded at last, a subtle bitterness tinging his words.

“Trust me, I get more frustrated than anyone when things aren’t black and white,” Garrus commented. “But there’s a hell of a lot of gray here. As much as I’d like to say that Cerberus is worthless and that all the people working for them are monsters, I know that they’re not.”

“Let’s be frank, here,” Dr. Chakwas began as she turned her attention away from the results skirting across her omni-tool to study the two comrades before her. “Few appreciate the Systems Alliance. Not many like the Council, either. No one enjoys having Cerberus around and Cerberus itself hates everyone else. It is we lucky individuals who are caught in the middle and have to deal with it all because we have no other choice.”

“Yay,” Garrus dryly responded with a shrug of his shoulders.

“If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, Major,” the doctor continued, shutting down her omni-tool and patting him on the shoulder. “Remember the real enemy out there and be understanding of the difficult choices people have to make when they feel they’ve been backed into a corner. You and Shepard were close once. Don’t judge her too harshly for what she had to do when things were spiraling out of her control.”

Kaidan could feel the heat rising to his cheeks. He wasn’t sure why, but he suddenly felt like a shy teenager who just realized that someone knew about his crush. It was a strange sensation that he hadn’t experienced in years. Oddly enough, it had been over the same person the last time as it was now.

“That was more than one suggestion, Doc,” Garrus noted with a chuckle. He didn’t seem the least bit surprised by her forwardness.

“My apologies,” she responded with a coy smile. “I’ve never been terribly shy about speaking my mind.”

Had the bold words come from anyone else, Kaidan might have reacted defensively. Angrily, even. But now, he sat in stunned silence, unsure of what to do or say.

Garrus uncrossed his arms and placed a reassuring hand on Kaidan’s opposite shoulder. “For what it’s worth, Alenko, I agree. And good luck with that.” He turned with a slight chuckle and vanished through the doorway.

“I don’t… I mean… Shepard and I…” Kaidan began, not sure where he was going with his fumbling words. Nowhere, apparently.

“Need I remind you that there’s a physiological response when you’re thinking about someone in particular, Major?” Karin asked, her eyes filled with unexpected sympathy. She turned her gaze to her omni-tool for a moment as she continued, “I can show you your results here if you don’t--”

“No,” Kaidan answered with a small sigh. “No, that’s alright. I get it.”

“If I recall correctly, you were confused once when you were watching the same reaction occur with Shepard while checking her over after a mission, years ago.”

A wistful grin crept across his lips. He’d nearly forgotten about that. A question rose to mind just then, but he pressed his lips together suddenly to keep it from escaping. It would have been a breach of confidentiality to know if Shepard still exhibited those signs after all this time. Given that conversation they’d had at the hospital, he knew that she probably did. All in a moment, he felt a bit more comfortable letting his heart speak louder than his mind.

“Physically, everything looks good, Major,” Dr. Chakwas announced. Kaidan understood the rest of the statement that she hadn’t said aloud. Mentally and emotionally, he needed to sort things out for himself.

Wary of Cerberus though he was, he’d heard and seen enough to understand at last that nothing was so clear-cut. Suffering in regret, resentment, and misery hadn’t done him or Shepard any favors.

He could fix this.

He was finally ready to try.


End file.
